


I don't care if heaven won't take me back

by Madalena



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alec's Martyr Complex, Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Episode: s02e13 Those of Demon Blood, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, The Clave are Jerks, Vulnerable Alec Lightwood, Vulnerable Magnus Bane, based on promo, mentions of canonical torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 16:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11188953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madalena/pseuds/Madalena
Summary: Alec has a martyr complex the size of New York, but that isn't what Magnus needs from him right now. This time, Alec doesn't need to blow up the ground he stands on. He just needs to be there for Magnus.----Based on promo for 2x13 "Those of Demon Blood". Spoilers for 2x12 "You Are Not Your Own".





	I don't care if heaven won't take me back

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of Feelings about 2x12 "You Are Not Your Own" and how what's about to happen in 2x13 "Those of Demon Blood" is the absolute worst thing for the current fragile state of Magnus and Alec's relationship. And thus this fic was born.
> 
> Title is from the song "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab. I challenge you to find a more Alec song than that.

Alec stood before Magnus’ door with apprehension. He raised his hand to knock, but the door opened on its own, sensing his presence.

Of course it did. Because despite what had happened over the past few days, despite the horrible guilt that Alec felt for what he’d done to Magnus, despite the pain that Magnus was in and that Alec could do nothing to help with - Magnus still loved him. Even though he hadn’t done anything to earn that love recently.

Which was why he was even more terrified in this moment than he had been when he’d been standing in the control room of the Institute, worrying that Magnus had been killed by the Soul Sword.

He needed Magnus’ trust now more than ever, even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. But if there was any chance at all at stopping conflict between the Shadowhunters and the Downworlders, he needed Magnus to trust him in this moment.

Alec still knocked though, as he went through the door. “Magnus?”

Magnus was standing by the balcony doors, tumbler in his hand, gazing out into the morning light. “Alexander.” He said, a touch of warmth in his voice, but he didn’t turn from the window. Alec could see the tenseness running through his body.

“I… I’m guessing you’ve heard. The new directives the Inquisitor is putting out there.”

“Oh, you mean the fact that she wants to tag all Downworlders like cattle?”

Alec sighed. “Yeah, that.”

“And you’re here to… what? Bring me in? Tag me yourself?”

“No, Magnus, Angel… no.” Alec rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. “It’s wrong what she wants to do. I know that. Believe me, I do.”

“Then why are you here?” Magnus turned, put the tumbler down and walked up to Alec, but still keeping some space between them.

They were still processing everything that had happened, neither wanting to intrude too much on each other’s space. Magnus needed to heal. Alec needed to deal with his feelings of guilt. But they were still too new to their relationship to know how to do that together.

Alec moved as Magnus did, and they circled each other briefly.

Alec gestured awkwardly. “I need your hair… for a DNA test.”

“I didn’t realize there was anything I needed to be cleared of.”

“I know. I know that. And I know I have no right to ask this of you. After the past few days, I have absolutely no right to even be here. But please… I need you to trust me.” Alec looked at Magnus, look almost as desperate as that which Magnus had had when he’d been begging Alec to believe him while in Valentine’s body. 

Alec continued. “I know I have no right to ask that of you. But things are about to get bad. Really bad. We both know that. And Clary, Jace… even Izzy… are sure to do something to get themselves barred from this investigation. We know they’ll still do what they can from the outside to try and stop it from getting worse, but… they can’t do that, _we_ can’t do that, unless there’s someone close to the investigation. Someone who can give them the information they need so they’re not working blind. Someone the Inquisitor trusts.”

“You think she trusts you.” Magnus said slowly with bitter amusement.

“I did help her almost execute you, despite everything in my blood saying it was wrong. Until she was provided with incontrovertible proof that you were you and not Valentine. That should have earned me some trust.”

“If she realizes what you’re doing, it could end very badly for you.”

“I know. I’m sure it will. But I have to do this. I’ve been such an idiot, blindly following the Clave when I should have thought for myself. If I can use that Clave loyalty they believe I still have and do this - if I can help the Downworld and expose the Clave for who they really are - then maybe, just maybe, I can start to make up for everything I’ve done. To my friends. To the Downworlders. To you.” Alec took a deep breath. “I can’t take back what I did to you in that cell. I can’t take back the torture they put you through. I can’t take back how I failed you. But if I can do this… it can be the start of trying to make things right again.”

_You’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make things right._ Magnus’ words came back to him. “Alexander…” He approached Alec carefully, resting a hand on his arm. He flinched, but didn’t pull away, looking up at Magnus with a wary but hopeful expression.

“I know I don’t deserve anything from you.”

“Alexander, I’m okay.”

“No. You’re not. I know you’re not. And it kills me because I did it to you and there’s nothing I can do to help you. I don’t deserve to.”

“Okay. Maybe you don’t. But have you thought about what I deserve?”

“You deserve someone better than me.”

“But I want you.” Magnus moved his hand down Alec’s arm, rubbing circles over his wrist with his thumb. “What I need is my boyfriend to stop with his martyr complex. I need him to talk to me. Be with me. Listen to me. Hold me through the nightmares that have come back after centuries of trying to forget them.”

“You really want me to? After everything?”

“I do. We’re not okay, but we won’t be okay unless we find a way to deal with this together. And that means together, not playing our assigned roles in a drama that the world keeps repeating over and over again. Are you willing to do that?”

Alec nodded shakily. “I am.”

“Good. Then come here.”

The two embraced, melting into each other’s touch, feeling the warmth of their bodies coming together. Magnus’ knees trembled, and Alec eased them both gently to the floor, where they continued to cling to each other as if the other’s touch was the only thing keeping them alive.

It was there, hours later, where they were found by Clary, Jace, Isabelle, Simon and Maia, as tensions had begun to boil over and drastic action would be needed to carve out any sort of peace. But Magnus and Alec knew where they stood.

They weren’t okay, but in time they would be. Together. They knew what they were fighting for.

**Author's Note:**

> Last line is also from "Angel with a Shotgun" ;P


End file.
